Thursday, June 13, 2013

I'm The Story I Needed To Hear

So I guess this is the "Part 2" of my last post . . .

I've actually been thinking about writing this post for a few years now . . . it's been in the back of my mind for quite a while.  I've been reading, too, recently about the importance of "telling your story".  And just the other day, I started answering a list of questions meant to help a person discover their dreams & goals . . . something I've always seemed to struggle with ! The very 1st question was  "What do you want to contribute ?"  "ANYTHING" was my initial reaction !!  I realized that one of the frustrations in my job is that I don't feel like I help anyone or contribute . . . I do my work well & go home at the end of the day, but I don't have that sense of making a contribution to anyone's life.  But I have this experience & this story . . . and I realized that if I put it out there, maybe it could help even one person . . . it could be a contribution.

So, I started drafting this post.  And when I woke up the next day, I started to question whether I should even go further with it . . . the usual questioning myself !

Then, that same day, I was blown away by a strangers prayers for me, about this journey . . . and I knew posting it was what I was meant to do . . . that it was maybe a little sign from above that I was heading in the right direction !

So here goes !

Since this post (5 whole years ago !), we spent another 2 years trying to start a family . . . 7 years in total.  During that time, I read every article I encountered about infertility.  And every time I looked at the "About the Author" part at the end, the author always became a mother . . . whether thru aggressive fertility treatment, adoption, a surrogate, and so on.  Please know that I admire each of those journeys & the women that take them . . . but we never felt called or led to follow those paths.  I was just struck that there was never anyone that ended up not having kids . . . not one story ended with the author being content in that it just didn't play out as she'd planned, and being happy & fulfilled simply being a wife.

But that turned out to be my story & my ending.

Around the time I wrote my one and only fertility post, I reached my emotional limit, and broke down & asked God to show me what His plan was . . . that if I was supposed to be a mom, to make clear to me what treatment, etc. I needed to pursue . . . and that if I wasn't supposed to be a mom, to take away the entire desire.  And, of course, He answered.  Over the next 2 years, I felt the desire wane, and I started feeling content with my life like I'd never experienced before.  Jack & I were of one accord, both happy being "just us".

I'm beyond thankful for His answer & clear direction . . . I felt like a huge burden had been lifted, and that I could start to move on.

And while I'm wholly and completely at peace with the way things have turned out, it doesn't mean I don't have my moments.  It can be difficult to not have the same experiences that the vast majority of women my age have had . . . to have a life that doesn't resemble what's considered normal or part of the "American Dream".  Mothers Day will always be awkward (I'd like a holiday for women like me!) And sometimes comments can sting.  It always rankles to be told "You don't have kids; you don't understand !", or to hear the assumption that we have endless time & money because we don't have a family.  While it's true I won't have the same experiential knowledge as a parent does, and that my time and funds are more my own than if I were a parent, it doesn't mean that I'm clueless, unappreciative, or deserve to have it thrown in my face.  It will always sting, and I'm getting used to handling it.

I've also gotten used to the pangs that sometimes occur now that we have a little one in the family (my adorable nephew, Ben !).  It will always be just a little hard to see my husband with Ben, knowing what a truly amazing father he would have been.  I'll always wonder what our children would have looked like.  I'll always feel a little sadness that I couldn't be the bearer of good news . . . unable to make my parents into grandparents . . .  just missing out on some of the little fun things.

But that's it.  The other 95% of the time, I'm a happy camper !  We love being aunt & uncle to the cutest nephew ever (until, of course, other kiddos come along !) !!  We get to spoil him, then give him back to mom and dad . . . we get the best of both worlds !!  And I love being "Mama Cat" to the most adorable felines ever . . . I'm learning to embrace the "Crazy Cat Lady" label !!!  We love our life.  It's truly all good.

So that's really it.  Turns out the story I needed to hear became mine.  And maybe it's the ending someone else out there needs to hear, too.


allyanne said...

I'm so happy for you and the peace that God has given you in this journey. You are so brave to speak out, especially in this crazy culture we live in, where we feel the need to justify our very existence to the rest of the world. I know the pangs of infertility and the moronic comments people make, and the assumptions we live with. You ARE enough, just by yourself, just being Melissa. And you are a loving kitty-mama and auntie. The world needs those!
Everything God gives us is a gift, even when it's not what we wanted or planned. It took me a long time, but I've come to see my own infertility as a gift from God, those 12 years alone with my husband as an incredible blessing. And while, as an adoptive parent, I wouldn't trade Aiden for anything, I have learned that the grass is not always greener. Anyways, long comment. I love you!

{amy} said...

I'm sure there are others out there who need to hear your story. I'm so glad you are in a place of peace and contentment right where you are. So many times we spend so much time waiting for something only to miss out on the beautiful that exists in the here and now. I'm sorry for the pain you've been through (& sometimes still experience), but I'm so glad you are where you are now. Thank you for sharing!